I've been thinking about this for a while now and am not sure that I can appropriately put it into words. The whole reason I started this blog was for HOPE. When we first learned of Olivia's diagnosis, there was nothing that offered hope. Nothing. I wanted new families to know that there is hope...that it won't be the life you think it will be...it will be much better than you think.
That being said, I try to keep my blog positive...I am generally a very positive person. Very easy going. Very happy. But let me tell you that we've come a long way as a family. I was not always so positive about having Olivia. It hurts to say this...but at the beginning I wasn't sure I could do it. That I could be the mother she needed. She wasn't the daughter I had been hoping for. I know that may turn some of you off...but it's the truth. And that lead to horrible feelings of guilt. These feelings lasted a while...I'm not going to lie. I wondered how I was going to do it and what on Earth my life, our life, was going to be like. It was awful.
That's what I've been thinking about a lot lately. I love Olivia so much I could explode. She is exactly the daughter I hoped for...I just didn't know it at the time. In the midst of the depression, the grief, the appointments, the learning curve, it was hard to imagine a "normal" life. But here we are.
I was hoping for a daughter who I could be close with like I am with my Mom. We have that. We SO have that. She's my angel. She's my siamese twin. She's my soul walking around outside my body. We couldn't be closer.
As silly and small as this sounds, I love to read so much and I was hoping for a daughter who would love to read. Olivia and I have read more books than I can count. It's her favorite thing. I love sharing that with her.
I was hoping for a daughter who would have a healthy self-esteem. Who would love herself for her...not for what others think she should be. Olivia has the best self-esteem of anyone I've ever met.
I was hoping for a daughter who would love life. Who would be happy and content and full of joy. She is all of those things personified.
And, like most mothers of daughters, I was hoping she would be like me, at least a little. That she would have my best physical features (my hair? my eyes?) and not have my worst features (my legs! my knees! my behind! Ok, fine, my whole lower half!!)...that she would have the best parts of my personality, and not the worst. I think as shallow as it sounds, every parent of a child with special needs wonders if they're child will "look different". Not because you care what they look like, because we think our children are beautiful no matter what, but because you don't want them to have another reason for people to stare or to tease. Olivia is so beautiful it makes my heart hurt. And it's mostly because her inside personality absolutely shines through to the outside. Beauty is definitely found within. (Of course a good head of luscious brown hair, gorgeous chocolate brown eyes, a stunning smile and great clothes don't hurt!)
What I'm trying to say with all of this, especially for all of the new parents out there, is that it's a long road. It's a long road with your typical children...let alone when you add in some "extras". I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it's always been wonderful. It's damn tough. It's exhausting. (Still is) I wasn't sure if I could make it. But we did.
And when you come out the other side and realize that this is the life you were supposed to live all along...that your child is EXACTLY who you were hoping for...that you couldn't imagine another life and another child...that you wouldn't change her because then she wouldn't be YOUR girl...it's the most precious gift in the world. You have peace. You have love. You have this amazing child that has made you a better person.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey. We've come a long way. The trip was worth it.
